Your handbook to Dating Online and Relationships in the New Era

The practice or ritual of dating is not of recent origin. For centuries people in many cultures  have been interacting with each other either as a couple or in groups to find out their compatibility quotient. In the Victorian times, it was termed ‘Courting’ and was confined to aristocratic classes only. Today people of all age groups in many societies all over the world indulge in dating. Thanks to the blessings of technology it is possible to do online dating, in person or through telephones. Several dating websites and agencies have also mushroomed to facilitate the dating process. It has become a booming market doing plum business.

Evolution of dating

As per the documented sources, it was perhaps at the end of the nineteenth century that the custom of dating caught on socially. Initially, the intent of dating was usually to whittle the pickings of available partners (choose the best suitor) and the approach transactional. At the beginning of the twentieth century, people started going on a date with a chaperone and then on unsupervised dates. The twin ideas of romance and mutual respect changed the narrative of ‘holy matrimony.

Enter the ‘hippie decades’ of the 60s and 70s, and there was a monumental sexual shift of the general populace. Contraceptive pills were invented and legalized. Now a few millennials do same-gender dating and marriages as well. They are called LGBT (Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) community and they had to wage a Herculean battle with all sections of society and the governments to get their partner preferences legitimized and institutionalized. Their rights are recognized in some countries, while they are still struggling for recognition in others.

Cross-cultural dating protocols

During dating, there are diverse overtures that are made by people of different cultures. Something which is considered amorous and ‘cool’ in one culture, may be viewed as repulsive and discourteous in the other culture. One has to be cautious with his gestures when he courts his dates. For instance, in India, it is absolutely fine if a man peels a banana and offers it to a woman of any age. But if one were to do this to a Russian woman, it would signify that one wants a romantic relationship with her. So we need to be careful about cross-cultural sensitivities.

In Latin American countries like Brazil, dating is an extended and serious activity as compared to its northern counterpart. Usually, the male initiates the date and foots the bill for it. The couples prefer to go on dates alone instead of group dating, which is common in the US. In the US people usually pick up partners from a bar, an app, or through common friends. Dating there is more for fun and companionship than looking for any committed relationships.

In Asian countries like China, gender imbalance heavily tips the dating balance in favor of fewer females in the populace. Many ‘dating schools’ have sprung up in China to groom men to find compatible partners. Even ‘blind dates’ are a common phenomenon in China. In Japan, group dates are the in thing, and ‘the holy matrimony’ is the eventual goal. Vibrant and multicultural societies like Singapore and Dubai offer a lot of options as there is a huge expat population working in these countries. 

Spanish culture is quite similar to Indian culture. The couples date, but when they want to take their relationship to the next level, they take their partner to meet with their ‘entire’ family and seek their consent and blessings. Advanced countries like Sweden take dating very casually, and in fact, people there are expected to remain single and independent instead of getting into any serious relationship.

Why do people like to go on a date?

There are a variety of reasons  why  people like to go on a date. The commonest reason is that some people are looking for a soulmate. They are in a stage of exploration and do not want to take a straight plunge into matrimony or give any kind of serious commitment straightway. They want to play safe and test the waters before diving into it. It does not ensure that they make the right choice all the time, but they have freedom of doing so.

Dating is not always done with the intent of finding a life partner. Sometimes, people choose to date and have friends just to overcome feelings of loneliness and isolation. They feel it is healthy if they have a companion to share their emotions with instead of just bottling up things within themselves. A youngster Aditya draws an interesting analogy----dating is like attempting a Multiple Choice Question (MCQ) test. One always has the freedom of looking at other options, before circling the right one.

On certain occasions, people date just to have fun, the thrill of knowing new people and expanding their social network. Dating is not only about having romantic encounters but reveling in the uniqueness of other individuals as well. In recent times, dating is the ‘new normal. If a youngster doesn’t date one or multiple people, his friends look at him with suspicion and insinuate that there is something wrong with him. So, to be in tune with times, people follow the age-old practice of dating to prove a point---Hey! I am single and ready to mingle.

Another young man gave a very interesting reason for dating. He said, “I am the only child of my parents and I studied in a boy’s school and then in an engineering college. There was minimal interaction with girls. So there was a natural curiosity about the other gender, and I wanted to be comfortable and make friends with them. To overcome this hurdle, I decided to go on group dates to initiate the individual dating mechanism.” This approach sounds reasonable and sensible. Such an attitude also helps to fix certain perverted tendencies of a few sick individuals in our society.

I feel that one good thing about dating is that it simply implies that we are meeting one or multiple people socially and cordially without putting stickers on any relationship. We are still independent individuals and haven’t decided to ‘become two’. We thereby avoid a bagful of complications and labels. Every relationship cannot have a romantic angle to it and many other friendly acquaintances nurture and enrich our lives. The most important ingredients are communication and commitment.

Body language in Dating

The significance of words in any situation cannot be discounted, but it is equally important to study the body language, or interpret the nonverbal clues. They are an unconscious and honest display of one’s thoughts and feelings. So we have to be smart enough to comprehend them and make the right moves accordingly.

Our complex mental networking called the---limbic system helps us to decide what attracts or what repulses us. A cluster of signals given by another person helps our brain decide whether we should hold our partner’s hands or spin on our tail and run. Simple clues---- as when somebody closes the distance, has an open and uncrossed legs and arms stance, a naughty smile, an extended handshake, twinkling happy look, harmless flirtatious gestures as playing with the hair…… (Oh! The list is endless) tell us that the other person would like to know us better.

Similarly, the contrarian body signals---- as palms inwards, closed body stance, distant look while talking, itching eyes, leaning away, rubbing back of the neck, stiff body postures, frowning…….(Awwwh! The list is again endless) send negative and unwelcoming body alerts.

Our limbic system triggers these clues and we should use them in conjunction with words to read the vocalized and the non vocalized messages. One can fake words, but it is almost impossible to fake body language. Reading these signals correctly can help us to plan our moves and strategies. So dating and relating can become an intriguing process.

Tips for successful dating

I have been mentoring students preparing for management exams like CAT, GMAT, and GRE for almost 15 years now. Our audience is usually young students around 20-22 years old. A huge majority of them attend vocabulary classes just to pick up nice flowery and exotic phrases, to compliment their girl/boyfriends. They think that if we have a good command of language and know how to throw in some exotic words at the right place and the right time, then it gives us an edge over our competitors. It boosts our confidence, and we carry a kind of aura around us. 

Unique language adds up to one’s impression, but only if it sounds sincere. The compliment needs to fit the occasion and the person to whom it is given. It should bring a delightful and lovely smile on the recipient’s face instead of the other person wondering----where did this come from? Does he know the meaning of the word?….. Is it the same word I heard in the latest soap advertisement yesterday?

One of the biggest banes of today’s world is our phobic love for our cell phones. Please, never make the faux pas (a blunder) of taking out and checking any updates or messages, unless required. If answering a call is inevitable, excuse yourself and keep the response short and sweet. Listen to your partner better, have good eye contact, try to understand her routines and preferences. Give her options instead of assuming----she will like whatever I choose.

Remember small details like somebody’s birthday, anniversary, names of their loved ones, etc. Take out time to think about what the other person cherishes--what days, achievements, or which kind of people they value. By buying a small gift like a flower or a card or even making a phone call we can touch somebody’s inner cord. In my younger days, at the onset of my professional career, I had to go to Mumbai for a fortnight every year to attend training programs. At that time, I always used to stay with a friend, who was as raw in her professional life as I was. We had shoestring budgets to survive but in the first week, she would always treat me to a meal, as it was supposed to be my ‘welcome dinner’ in Mumbai. Similarly, at the end of the second week, I used to be treated to a ‘farewell dinner. We used to eat at kiosks and bandstands, but those greasy noodles cemented a bond of a lifetime.

Tools for dating

There was a time when dating required facilitators like matchmakers, friends, and relatives. But thanks to technology today, the playing field has never been easier. There are many apps like Tinder, Bumble, Plenty of Fish, to make the entire process easy peasy. Almost every youngster today has one of these apps on his/her phone.

Special services exist or material is available in the market where novices and youngsters are tutored how to write texts and which emojis to use in various stages of dating. A special code of rules called--- 3-day rule and bridge courses are designed to ensure that things proceed without a hiccup. There is a long list of Do’s and Don’ts that young amateurs are advised to stick to. The courses also recommend which topics to converse on, which kinds of movies and music to discuss. The list is so comprehensive that it also suggests what kinds of foods to order and eat.

The status of dating today has been very succinctly put by American author Jodi O’Brien in a phrase that ‘Sex is desexualized’. There was a time when physical intimacy was reserved after taking holy vows and entering into a spiritual communion before God. But now it is more discretionary and a matter of personal pleasure. The expression of sexuality has become much more common. Generation X is more self-centered and self-obsessed and that we see a culture of one-night stands, casual hooking up, and having companions for benefit. The option of finding a ‘serious date’ may be a hard pitch to sell.